<------- What have you done. After committing a great deception you tried to console me, but all along you were just hurting me. Each action and every word which built up to this point, to this breaking point, when I finally understand the moral of this story in which you have so clearly flown, yet which I still struggle with: That I was always too good for you.

That night on my front porch you asked me if I hated you, with sad eyes and a heavy heart. I told you, "no," and I meant it. I still loved you no less than before, and perhaps some part of me still does. But now, now I could tell you, "Yes, yes, I hate you," and mean each and every word of it. Because after everything YOU did, after every lie YOU told, and after every tear YOU made me shed, I was asking myself what was wrong with ME. But the answer is now clear as day: there was never anything wrong with me. It was you who turned sour, you who was insecure all along. And though I never for a second question the love you had before our parting, I now question all of your values. I hate you for turning myself against me, and that was your worst crime of all.

That is all for tonight,

Me.

<----- Me with a bandaged and damaged wrist. Just a quick-pic update for the records :) Hurts quite a lot, but can't wait to see my friends in school tomorrow.

Missing you lots....

Me.

<------- Kate Voegele. Her concert last night was, to my complete surprise, the most therapeutic experience of my life. Small hall with about three hundreds girls .singing their hearts out, and crying their eyes out. You know what? She went through it all too, and so have so many others. "I've seen your act, and I know all the facts, I'm still in love with who I wish you were." In more ways than one, last night helped me come to terms with more things than one, so thanks.

On another note, there was one bitch there who did little to help with my night, Narcissa, we'll call her. See, I was in the second row, a mere three feet away from the singing sex goddess. Narcissa was feeling a twinge of jealousy that I had the ideal arrangement, so decided that she would steal it. Trying to bump and push me away, I help strong.... until she grabbed my hand and broke my wrist. Yes, just got back fro the clinic, sling and all. My friends are amazing, their getting her phone number to bitch her up, and hellz, she deserves it. So here I lay, typing with one hand.... how pathetic.

That's all my poor right hand can do for now,

Me.     

I have been writing a lot lately, I have much to say and many words on my mind. I came across this poetic idea the other day and thought I'd share. It's insightful and relevant; everything that is true in rhythm and rhyme.

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

- The script, Breakeven

<----- What I seem to be doing more often than not. Being an emotional person, shedding a tear or two has not been a rare occasion for me throughout my life. In this past month though, I feel as though I am constantly crying- if no on the outside, than on the inside, building up like polluted water in a dam. Today, it manifested itsself through physical exhaustion: in math class I collapsed for 5 minutes, convulsing, completely losing consciousness. Paramedics were called and I was exceptionally embarrassed. Drawing attention to myself is just about the last thing I would like to do. If i could, I would slip away into the world of the brilliant author H. L. Mccutchen: a realm of night and shadows, of dreams and fears alike. I would give anything to feel again, to stop questioning my own self worth. Have you a dime, sir?

Goodnight unto all,

Me.

<----- What I would like to say to optimists tonight.

COWARDICE

cow-ard-ice

Function: noun

Lack of courage to face danger, 

opposition, pain, etc.

I have to disagree with this definition of cowardice. To be a coward is not to feel fear toward danger opposition, pain.... but rather to fear ones-self. You wear a constant shield of false security, you laugh on the outside when you are crying on the inside, you claim to be something you are not, you have everyone fooled, YOU are a coward.

That is definitely all for tonight,

Me.

<----- Akikan=life. Lesbianism, chicks who turn into tin cans, seductive witches, and goofy dudes. Just finished the series today, some great content in there! Melon-san is a really interesting character- I think I can relate to her a bit, even though I'm not a Girlish. On a more serious note, I got some delightful news the other day. Momsies and popsicle are getting divorced- just the thing I've always wanted; a broken family, lovely. I am not a personal fan of change, and with my father moving out sometime in the next couple months, my life will be filed with nothing butt that. Yet another aspect of my existence that is out of my control. Soon I will be an android, responsive only to the commands and desires of others. I am Lo-Lo, take me to your leader!

That's it for now, doing some major math homework,

Me.

<----- My favorite socks. Some girls wear cute underwear to feel pretty, or lacy tank tops to feel special, what really makes me confident is a fun pair of socks. For me to pull these out is a big deal and a half- their my S.O.Socks. And let me say, i really do need to "save my soul" so to speak. My entity has once again gone afly, leaving an empty shell behind. The remains are crumbling with each blow, and i feel defeated. They say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I'd like to meet the man who mad up that phrase. I think we might have a lot in common. A paved paradise to put up a parking lot. The worst of it is, I have three days off of school now. Not only does it mean that I must conjure up more ways to keep my mind preoccupied, but also that I must find more excuses to stay at home. There are too many triggers out in the big bad world, many fears I'm not ready or strong enough to face. I will one day discover the joy of life, perhaps it is only a sleep away.

Goodnight and sleep tight,

Me.

<----- Me eating a delicious diet dinner of lemon tofu and garlic spinach; Because I am officially fat. With everything that has been going on, with all I have been feeling, I've turned to some unpleasant things for comfort- one of which being food. Not a single part of me wants to balloon up and become even more undesirable, so I am going to take charge. If only everything was as easily solved as skipping pudding after meals. (Blimey, that was a ruddy British comment right there, mate.) The night seem to being going downhill, and my insomnia has once again taken it's toll on my ability to function normally. When lying in bed, my mind wanders to "the incident." It's been weeks now and I'm still reliving memories in my mind, managing to have these superfluous thoughts that I know do nothing but upset me. When does it end.....? Does it ever end......? Do I want it to end....? Once my mind has pushed it aside, then that means that it's all truly over.... and quite frankly that terrifies me. Where the fuck am I supposed to go from here.

That's definitely it for now before i start to bawl,

Me.  

<----- Pretty much speaks for itself. I don't think I want to say anything right now. Not a good night.... how much more can I handle

Thats all for now,

Me.

<----- Me keeping it green....with Nalgene! That's right, say goodbye to disposable water bottles, farewell to Styrofoam, sianara to high heating bills, and hello to a new eco-friendly lifestyle. I was watching an inconvenient truth today, and although i had seen it a few times prior to earlier this afternoon, something just seemed to click, and i came upon the realization that each person who contributes to a "green" society is helping to make a difference. I challenge you (Breekolai, the only one I can be certain is reading this (^_~) ) to take on the challenge of being more energy efficient and waste aware. 

On another note, i just finished my immense load of math homework, my teacher is literally a god. I am currently looking through paged of prom dresses, everyone seems to be searching for ideas ahead of the game. Some are even mentioning going on pre-prom diets.....lordy, lordy, look what my preppy school has become. I'm going to go dream about fettucini alfredo and sugar cookies.

That's it for now,

Me.